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| ==== Echoes from my fallow year ==== | ==== Transiency Maja Kuzmanovic ==== |
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| The core team of FoAM bxl, including [[maja_kuzmanovic|me]], started our [[http://fo.am/macrotransiency-foam-bxl/|macrotransiency]] with the new moon in February 2016. We carved out a year to [[http://fo.am/laying-fallow/|lay fallow]] and pursue things that “there isn’t time for”, to explore the unknown and embrace the unexpected. | The core team of FoAM bxl, including [[maja_kuzmanovic|me]], started our [[http://fo.am/macrotransiency-foam-bxl/|macrotransiency]] with the new moon in February 2016. We carved out a year to [[http://fo.am/laying-fallow/|lay fallow]] and pursue things that “there isn’t time for”, to explore the unknown and embrace the unexpected. |
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| Visual impressions of the year can be found in my [[https://www.flickr.com/photos/deziluzija/albums/72157672406688516|"transient" album]] and on [[https://www.flickr.com/photos/foam/albums/72157666465040662|FoAM's flickr pages]], which also include beautiful photographs from my fellow transients [[transiency_rasa_alksnyte|Rasa Alksnyte]] and [[https://www.flickr.com/photos/zzkt|Nik Gaffney]]. | Visual impressions of the year can be found in my [[https://www.flickr.com/photos/deziluzija/albums/72157672406688516|"transient" album]] and on [[https://www.flickr.com/photos/foam/albums/72157666465040662|FoAM's flickr pages]], which also include photographs from my fellow transients [[transiency_rasa_alksnyte|Rasa Alksnyte]] and [[transiency_nik_gaffney|Nik Gaffney]] (from whom I borrowed some of the images on this page as well). |
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| This page is the informal log of my transiency process, in reverse chronological order. | This page is the informal log of my transiency process, in reverse chronological order. |
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| | ==== Echoes from my fallow year ==== |
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| ==== February 2017 ==== | ==== February 2017 ==== |
| I ended my pondering on the fallow year with the aftertaste of gratitude. To myself, to the core team of FoAM bxl and other foamies near and far, to our funders and clients, members and friends and to all of the mysterious forces of the universe for conspiring to make this year happen. It was far from perfect - and far from perfectly fallow - but it was necessary and it was valuable. I began the year rather depleted. I can’t say that I’m coming out of it completely refreshed and energised, but at least when I look forward I see more possibilities than obstacles. | I ended my pondering on the fallow year with the aftertaste of gratitude. To myself, to the core team of FoAM bxl and other foamies near and far, to our funders and clients, members and friends and to all of the mysterious forces of the universe for conspiring to make this year happen. It was far from perfect - and far from perfectly fallow - but it was necessary and it was valuable. I began the year rather depleted. I can’t say that I’m coming out of it completely refreshed and energised, but at least when I look forward I see more possibilities than obstacles. |
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| The fallow rhythm allowed me to crystallise insights that were dormant under the surface in the previous years of living with dis-ease on both medical and professional fronts. I’m going to leave them scattered as shimmering crystals. In lieu of a summary, I’d like to end this entry with some of the questions that arose in the past year, to guide me in the next phase of inquiry: | The fallow rhythm allowed me to crystallise insights that were dormant under the surface in the previous years of living with dis-ease on both medical and professional fronts. I’m going to leave them scattered across this page as shimmering crystals. In lieu of a summary, I’d like to end this entry with some of the questions that arose in the past year, to guide me in the next phase of inquiry: |
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| * How to thrive in uncertainty? | * How to thrive in uncertainty? |
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| * When faced with uncertain or difficult situations, how to "stay with the trouble", rather than fight, flight or freeze? From a place of openness and awareness, how to discern and cultivate promising alternatives to the status quo? | * When faced with uncertain or difficult situations, how to "stay with the trouble", rather than fight, flight or freeze? From a place of openness and awareness, how to discern and cultivate promising alternatives to the status quo? |
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| * How to move from the politics of surviving to a culture of thriving? | * How to move from the politics of surviving to a culture of thriving? |
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| * How to tackle "wicked problems" in a complex, turbulent world? | * How to tackle "wicked problems" in a complex, turbulent world? |
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| * How to consciously live in perpetual states of transition (as individuals, organisations, societies)? | * How to consciously live in perpetual states of transition (as individuals, organisations, societies)? |
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| * How to "weaponise" prototyping futures (e.g. as a tactic of resistance to a fear-mongering litany, among other things)? | * How to "weaponise" prototyping futures (e.g. as a tactic of resistance to a fear-mongering litany, among other things)? |
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| * How to hold space for embodied learning of complex, systemic phenomena (e.g. the effects of climate change)? | * How to hold space for embodied learning of complex, systemic phenomena (e.g. the effects of climate change)? |
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| * How to design experiences for immersion and absorption in the thick present and the long now? | * How to design experiences for immersion and absorption in the thick present and the long now? |
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| * What kinds of experiences stimulate contemplation and celebration? | * What kinds of experiences stimulate contemplation and celebration? |
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| * What experiences encourage wonder and wandering? | * What experiences encourage wonder and wandering? |
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| * What (new) myths and belief systems could foster alternatives to the current culture of fear (including fear of impermanence and the "other")? | * What (new) myths and belief systems could foster alternatives to the current culture of fear (including fear of impermanence and the "other")? |
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| * How to translate animist or mystical attitudes towards interconnectedness of all life into worldviews compatible with techno-materialist societies? | * How to translate animist or mystical attitudes towards interconnectedness of all life into worldviews compatible with techno-materialist societies? |
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| * What kinds of relationships between human and non-human worlds could be cultivated in an era of mass-extinction? What parallel arts, sciences or technologies become possible if we widen the sentience spectrum? | * What kinds of relationships between human and non-human worlds could be cultivated in an era of mass-extinction? What parallel arts, sciences or technologies become possible if we widen the sentience spectrum? |
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| -> //On a more "meta level": Which of these questions are most relevant to explore? What would I/we need to be able to answer these questions? What does the next action research cycle look like? In which contexts, cultures and environments to explore these questions? Etc.// | -> //On a more "meta level": Which of these questions are most relevant to explore? What would I/we need to be able to answer these questions? What does the next action research cycle look like? In which contexts, cultures and environments to explore these questions? Etc.// |
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| Working as an independent, but well connected transdisciplinary network we can function as a bridge across oft disparate worlds of theory and practice. We can only do that if we exist in the (often lonely and unrecognised) spaces in between. This is nothing new for us, but perhaps we should more clearly (and vocally) articulate this position. Not only is the way we work across various divides beneficial for the people in FoAM, but some aspects of it can be useful for others. Our work with [[:marine_colab/start|Marine CoLABoration]] for example, where we translated our collaborative processes into a programme of workshops for a range of organisations working on marine conservation. While our direct involvement in the programme ended about a year ago, the [[https://gulbenkian.pt/uk-branch/about-us/story/|CGF]] invited us to write a reflective article about it. We spent several days unravelling FoAM’s interpretation of the "lab approach", using Marine CoLAB as our case study. We wrote the first draft of the article, to be finalised in February. | Working as an independent, but well connected transdisciplinary network we can function as a bridge across oft disparate worlds of theory and practice. We can only do that if we exist in the (often lonely and unrecognised) spaces in between. This is nothing new for us, but perhaps we should more clearly (and vocally) articulate this position. Not only is the way we work across various divides beneficial for the people in FoAM, but some aspects of it can be useful for others. Our work with [[:marine_colab/start|Marine CoLABoration]] for example, where we translated our collaborative processes into a programme of workshops for a range of organisations working on marine conservation. While our direct involvement in the programme ended about a year ago, the [[https://gulbenkian.pt/uk-branch/about-us/story/|CGF]] invited us to write a reflective article about it. We spent several days unravelling FoAM’s interpretation of the "lab approach", using Marine CoLAB as our case study. We wrote the first draft of the article, to be finalised in February. |
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| Every morning we had a discussion over breakfast to asses our progress, which usually lead to putting the fallow year on hold to meet external deadlines. Combining the transiency with several overlapping experiments, doing work for clients and worrying about various loose ends in Brussels caused tension at times. All of us in the core team felt frustrated and desperate at various points in this fallow-ish year. Even though our reasons and circumstances varied, all the difficulties seem to originate from not having set clear boundaries around our transiency and making inevitable compromises. As the year draws to its end, a paradoxical sense of urgency to hold the space for reflection is increasing. At the same time I feel as if I’m crouching on starting blocks, my (mental) muscles tensing for a sprint. I must be watchful and pace myself as I begin the re-integration phase. I have to keep reminding myself that the next phase is going to be more like a long hike on uneven terrain than a short run with clearly delineated start and finish lines… | Every morning we had a discussion over breakfast to asses our progress, which usually lead to putting the fallow year on hold to meet external deadlines. Combining the transiency with several overlapping experiments, doing work for clients and worrying about various loose ends in Brussels caused tension at times. All of us in the core team felt frustrated and desperate at various points in this fallow-ish year. Even though our reasons and circumstances varied, all the difficulties seem to originate from not having set clear boundaries around our transiency and making inevitable compromises. As the year draws to its end, a paradoxical sense of urgency to hold the space for reflection is increasing. At the same time I feel as if I’m crouching on starting blocks, my (mental) muscles tensing for a sprint. I must be watchful and pace myself as I begin the re-integration phase. I have to keep reminding myself that the next phase is going to be more like a long hike on uneven terrain than a short run with clearly delineated start and finish lines… |
| * Community of Contemporary Contemplation and Celebration | * Community of Contemporary Contemplation and Celebration |
| * Inspire, rather then merely enable | * Inspire, rather then merely enable |
| * I feel good when I’m engaged in visionary endeavours with a wide purpose | * I feel good when I’m engaged in visionary endeavours with a wide purpose. I enjoy observing patterns of reality in and around myself, then translating them in words and multisensory experiences. While I love writing, I also need to see my work more "manifest", as experiences and other embodied experiments. However, to create experiences as we used to at FoAM, we need a different (and bigger) production team. I always end up exhausting and damaging myself in the process, even though I love the results… We should find ways to design experiences for maximum effect with minimum effort… |
| * I enjoy observing patterns of reality in and around myself, then translating them in words and multisensory experiences | |
| * In difficult situations I shouldn’t depend on people I can’t trust; I tend to feel better as soon as I can do "something" to alleviate the difficulties, no matter how small the "something" is. | |
| * Nik and I work best together on long-term research, writing, creation and reflection, away from busy production schedules and hectic social situations. When we work with other people, it's best to do it in short, concentrated bursts. | * Nik and I work best together on long-term research, writing, creation and reflection, away from busy production schedules and hectic social situations. When we work with other people, it's best to do it in short, concentrated bursts. |
| * While I love writing, I also need to see my work more "manifest", as experiences and other embodied experiments. However, to create experiences as we used to at FoAM, we need a different (and bigger) production team. I always end up exhausting and damaging myself in the process, even though I love the results… We managed to do it "lightly" when we designed "resting" activities for the BSB in 2015: minimum production, maximum effect… | * We should research how to more with private foundations (like CGF) |
| * We should work more with private foundations like CGF | |
| * Busy periods must be interspersed with quiet, contemplative ones. Ideally the same time spent in "action" should be spent in "reflection". | |
| * I’d like to work with Nik and Stevie to design a series of soundtracks for contemplation/meditation/stillness; contemporary sound/music/field recordings, guided meditations, etc. - This needs to be reclaimed from the horribly shallow new-age-ish music and meditations that have spread like disease online. this has lead to contemplation and meditation being regarded as 'fluffy' (cf. Nik’s publisher hating the title Stillness). I’d like to make an artistically qualitative meditation CD, with great sound and guidance that doesn’t shy away from darkness… | * I’d like to work with Nik and Stevie to design a series of soundtracks for contemplation/meditation/stillness; contemporary sound/music/field recordings, guided meditations, etc. - This needs to be reclaimed from the horribly shallow new-age-ish music and meditations that have spread like disease online. this has lead to contemplation and meditation being regarded as 'fluffy' (cf. Nik’s publisher hating the title Stillness). I’d like to make an artistically qualitative meditation CD, with great sound and guidance that doesn’t shy away from darkness… |
| * Rasa, will we ever start the Open Sauces Cooking Club? | * I need to work with competent and committed people, otherwise I get frustrated. They should be people I respect and I should find the object of our collaboration worthwhile. We have to be more discerning in our selection of collaborators, based on the qualitative resonance with their work and life. There has to be a clearer difference between collaboration and mentoring/teaching/coaching (or other "nurturing" support), where competence isn’t of primary importance. In the latter, commitment is still key, but instead of competence, potential and motivation are more important. |
| * Nik, Alkan we ever finish the Patabotanical Tarot? | |
| * I need to work with competent and committed people, otherwise I get frustrated. They should be people I respect and I should find the object of our collaboration worthwhile. We have to be more discerning in our selection of collaborators, based on the qualitative resonance with their work and life. There has to be a clearer difference between collaboration and mentoring/teaching/coaching (or other "nurturing" support), where competence isn’t of primary importance. In the latter, commitment is still key, but instead of competence, potential and motivation are more important. These two modes of working (creative/supporting) should not be mixed as much as they used to be at the "past" FoAM. | |
| * It doesn’t help me when I share an insecurity or difficulty with people and they jump in to give me advice. That’s actually counterproductive. It makes me feel weak and ignorant, as if I don’t know what I’m doing and others know better. Usually people offer advice because they care, with very good intentions. I don’t always notice it while it’s happening, but when the conversation ends I feel worse than when it started. It’s a common pattern I need to address, by being more aware at the moment it’s happening. Without offending or hurting people, I should let them know that if I want advice, I’ll ask for it. Otherwise I just want them to hear me and allow me to be present as I am, with all my weaknesses and doubts… Which, for some people, can be difficult - we have to stay in the pain together, without an immediate reflex to "help" or provide answers. | |
| * I’d like to write up all the various solitary (seasonal) rituals that I designed/improvised over the years… and write it in a way that could be used as a "kit" for others who’d like to try it themselves, including intentions, colours, materials, food, meditations, actions, etc. | * I’d like to write up all the various solitary (seasonal) rituals that I designed/improvised over the years… and write it in a way that could be used as a "kit" for others who’d like to try it themselves, including intentions, colours, materials, food, meditations, actions, etc. |
| * It might be valuable to write an article on FoAM’s approach to residencies and other ways to support creativity. I don’t think I want to host residents in the near future, so it might be good to record FoAM's successful residency formats "for posterity". | * It might be valuable to write an article on FoAM’s approach to residencies and other ways to support creativity. I don’t think I want to host residents in the near future, so it might be good to record FoAM's successful residency formats "for posterity". |
| * Similarly, an article on FoAM’s "Lab Approach" could be a good thing to write about. We have extensive experience with it, while it’s just becoming "fashionable" in a range of sectors. | * Similarly, an article on FoAM’s "Lab Approach" could be a good thing to write about. We have extensive experience with it, while it’s just becoming "fashionable" in a range of sectors. |
| * I’d like to make an "immersive" lecture-performance (with participatory elements) based on my insights during the last seven years living with cancer (and other uncertainties), with readings from my diaries, photos of my changing body, examples of practices, sounds, sights, scents and foods that made me appreciate being alive (or got me through difficult situations) | * I’d like to make an "immersive" lecture-performance (with participatory elements) based on my insights during the last seven years living with cancer (and other uncertainties), with readings from my diaries, photos of my changing body, examples of practices, sounds, sights, scents and foods that made me appreciate being alive (or got me through difficult situations) |
| * Insights from my green-and-purple equinox ritual (intentions: thawing, getting unstuck, cleansing, aligning with viriditas, new growth, turning outwards) | |
| * Never completely turn your back to the past. It can become dangerous. Instead, keep the awareness of what lead to this moment present as background radiation. (the stump of the "winter" candle almost burnt the house down) | |
| * The magic of the moment is only unveiled if one is completely absorbed in it. Then the minuscule changes appear delightful and miraculous. (meditating on the opening of the rose of Jericho) | |
| * Unfolding and turning outwards is fast and exciting, but the process of greening and revival (which is the essence of unfolding) is much slower and imperceptible, much more difficult to keep focus, attention and wakefulness… | |
| * Purple artichoke is a perfect Ostara ritual food… | |
| * Doing Nothing allows me to become more perceptive and notice what needs tending in and around me. It’s a process, an intimate courting of cultivation and letting grow… | * Doing Nothing allows me to become more perceptive and notice what needs tending in and around me. It’s a process, an intimate courting of cultivation and letting grow… |
| * Perhaps the interest in Thriving in Uncertainty is the connection it makes between abstract ideas or societal megatrends and our own lives (as individuals and community (the sector)). This connection interests me to pursue more in a wide range of our activities. We have done this with other initiatives (prehearsals, ARNs), but we never described our work in these terms... something to explore... | * Perhaps the interest in Thriving in Uncertainty is the connection it makes between abstract ideas or societal megatrends and our own lives (as individuals and community (the sector)). This connection interests me to pursue more in a wide range of our activities. |
| * I should improve my own online presence... | |
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| === Week 6/7 === | === Week 6/7 === |
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| 170667 words, 939760 characters, 233 pages further... I have finished writing up my life in the last seven years. Instead of writing a summary of the week, here's the last entry from my diary, written on the 22nd of March 2016, with the soundtrack of loud sirens and helicopters outside of my quiet living room. There have been two bomb attacks at the airport and Maalbeek metro station. Dozens of people dead, hundreds wounded. Considering the scale of other armed conflicts in the world, this doesn’t sound significant, but every life lost through such pointless violence is a tragedy. | 170667 words, 939760 characters, 233 pages further... I have finished writing up my life in the last seven years. Instead of writing a summary of the week, here's the last entry from my diary, written on the 22nd of March 2016, with the soundtrack of loud sirens and helicopters outside of my quiet living room. There have been two bomb attacks at the Brussels airport and Maalbeek metro station. Dozens of people dead, hundreds wounded. Considering the scale of other armed conflicts in the world, this doesn’t sound significant, but every life lost through such pointless violence is a tragedy. |
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| It’s beautiful early spring weather out there today, after a week of greyness. I was planning to go to Jubelpark and pick up my new credit card from Schumann, which - if I took the metro - would have taken me past the Maalbeek station. I decided not to go and stick with the writing instead, which I hoped to finish today so I could dedicate all of tomorrow to a vernal equinox ritual, celebrating balance of day-and-night, the inception of spring and alignment with viriditas. For me, this is a time to begin turning outwards again and watching new growth emerging in and around me, as well as thawing of frozen places in myself by meditating on forgiveness. The latter I started already on Sunday (at 5:30AM, the moment of the vernal equinox), as there is a lot I need to forgive, starting with myself, then expanding to include people and situations that caused me to harden, become defensive and judgmental. | It’s beautiful early spring weather out there today, after a week of greyness. I was planning to go for a walk in Jubelpark, as I had to be in my bank at Schumann, which - if I took the metro - would have taken me past the Maalbeek station. I decided not to go and stick with the writing instead, which I hoped to finish today so I could dedicate all of tomorrow to a vernal equinox ritual. A celebration of balance between day-and-night, the beginning of spring and alignment with viriditas. For me, this is a time to begin turning outwards again. Time to thaw the frozen places in myself by meditating on forgiveness, then watch new growth emerging in and around me. I started the meditation on forgiveness already on Sunday (at 5:30AM, the astronomical vernal equinox). There is a lot I need to forgive, starting with myself, then expanding to include people and situations that caused me to harden, become more defensive and judgmental than I'd like to be. |
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| {{::writing-retreat-w3.png|}} | {{::writing-retreat-w3.png|}} |
| My life and all of the hardships I was describing in the last weeks pale in comparison. I’m glad that I was very close to the end of writing up all my notes and diaries of the last seven years. I’m sure this rude awakening would have changed the writing substantially. The depths of my inner life would have been lost to external noise and relative irrelevance of my little worries. Yet for me, this month was invaluable. I must take care to nurture my "inner hermit" in my daily work and life in the future, even when I’m not in retreat. I feel too good now to let it all dissolve when I begin interacting with people again. | My life and all of the hardships I was describing in the last weeks pale in comparison. I’m glad that I was very close to the end of writing up all my notes and diaries of the last seven years. I’m sure this rude awakening would have changed the writing substantially. The depths of my inner life would have been lost to external noise and relative irrelevance of my little worries. Yet for me, this month was invaluable. I must take care to nurture my "inner hermit" in my daily work and life in the future, even when I’m not in retreat. I feel too good now to let it all dissolve when I begin interacting with people again. |
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| For four weeks I kept a relatively regular routine: waking early, meditating, exercising, having breakfast, writing, having lunch, resting, writing, ending the day by going for a walk, meditating or dancing, then relaxing with movies or audiobooks. The regular rhythm was an anchor to help me stay with my life story, no matter how painful it was to have to relive it all again, or to keep on track when it all seemed irrelevant. When I wouldn’t worry about the results and just enjoyed the process of introspection, it was an emotionally healing experience. As soon as I would wonder whether it would be useful for anyone else, the doubts would arise. Who would want to read this? In what format should I present it? How is this useful? Why do I want to work on this material any more? How dare I think that my life would be worth reading about? Would I hurt people around me by posting sensitive or intimate information online? Should it be freely available online, or should I try to find a publisher and make a book? Would I just expose myself and my whole tender emotional life to ridicule, judgement and rejection? When I’d start thinking this way, I just wanted to finish writing and then delete it all. Or print it and burn it. Or just keep it in one of the chests in the bedroom, perhaps to be found after my death. But then I’d remind myself that I don’t actually mind if no one ever reads this. The primary reason for this life-writing of mine is that I needed to have an honest, deep review of a difficult phase that is ending. Like a person on their death-bed seeing their life unfold as if a movie. With the added benefit that I still have a chance to change things in my life, unless the Islamic State decides that the Minimen church next door is a nest of "infidel crusaders" and bombs it today. | For four weeks I kept a relatively regular routine. The regular rhythm was an anchor to help me stay with my life story, no matter how painful it was to have to relive it all again, or to keep on track when it all seemed irrelevant. When I wouldn’t worry about the results and just enjoyed the process of introspection, it was an emotionally healing experience. As soon as I would wonder whether it would be useful for anyone else, the doubts would arise. Who would want to read this? In what format should I present it? How is this useful? Why do I want to work on this material any more? How dare I think that my life would be worth reading about? Would I hurt people around me by posting sensitive or intimate information online? Should it be freely available online, or should I try to find a publisher and make a book? Would I just expose myself and my whole tender emotional life to ridicule, judgement and rejection? When I’d start thinking this way, I just wanted to finish writing and then delete it all. Or print it and burn it. Or just keep it in one of the chests in the bedroom, perhaps to be found after my death. But then I’d remind myself that I don’t actually mind if no one ever reads this. The primary reason for this life-writing of mine is that I needed to have an honest, deep review of a difficult phase that is ending. Like a person on their death-bed seeing their life unfold as if a movie. With the added benefit that I still have a chance to change things in my life, unless the Islamic State decides that the Minimen church next door is a nest of "infidel crusaders" and bombs it today. |
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| During my writing, I re-inhabited every difficult situation in the last seven years. I explored its various dimensions, until I would reach the essence of my pain, on which I would meditate until the emotions subsided and I could release that situation into the past. Let it rest in peace underneath the written words. I also experienced many beautiful moments again, peppered throughout these "difficult years". The years I’d see as a homogeneous, continuous agony when I was depressed and burnt out. As with chronic pain, there were waves of despair, moments of quiet and times for celebration. I noticed that no matter how desperate my situation was, it would usually be followed by a realisation that I could do something to improve it. This "something" tended to be some small action (like mixing a new herbal tonic), or a change of surroundings that would help me get myself out of the emotional and physical quagmire. This happened over and over again. Observing the unfolding of seven years of my life in a few weeks of writing helped me acknowledge this innate resilience. An encouraging quality to be able to count on at the moment of crossing the liminal threshold of transition. Whatever happens, I should be able to cope with it. Furthermore, my relationship with Nik should be able to cope with it. We have lived through so many ups-and-downs together, which would have made many a marriage fall apart. I am grateful for that, to both of us. | During my writing, I re-inhabited every difficult situation in the last seven years. I explored its various dimensions, until I would reach the essence of my pain, on which I would meditate until the emotions subsided and I could release that situation into the past. Let it rest in peace underneath the written words. I also experienced many beautiful moments again, peppered throughout these "difficult years". The years I’d see as a homogeneous, continuous agony when I was depressed and burnt out. As with chronic pain, there were waves of despair, moments of quiet and times for celebration. I noticed that no matter how desperate my situation was, it would usually be followed by a realisation that I could do something to improve it. This "something" tended to be some small action (like mixing a new herbal tonic), or a change of surroundings that would help me get myself out of the emotional and physical quagmire. This happened over and over again. Observing the unfolding of seven years of my life in a few weeks of writing helped me acknowledge this innate resilience. An encouraging quality to be able to count on at the moment of crossing the liminal threshold of transition. Whatever happens, I should be able to cope with it. Furthermore, my relationship with Nik should be able to cope with it. We have lived through so many ups-and-downs together, which would have made many a marriage fall apart. I am grateful for that, to both of us. |
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| <html><iframe width="640" height="360" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/2G8LAiHSCAs" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe></html> | <html><iframe width="640" height="360" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/2G8LAiHSCAs" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe></html> |
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| //... and let birdsong cancel out sirens... (sometimes one must be permitted a little bit of escapism...)// | |
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| === Week 05 === | === Week 05 === |
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| Continuing transcription of my diaries. It's been slow going, as there are many gaps I left unwritten while being snowed under EC audits, demanding projects, troublesome collaborations, medical disasters and emotional upheavals that lead to my depression in 2012-2013. There were times this week when I wondered why I'm doing this to myself. In order to be able to write about this period in as much rich detail as the things I've recorded in my diaries at the time, I have to dig deep into my conscious, unconscious and somatic memories. I have to bring myself to feel the way I felt then, so that I can translate the experience into words. Sometimes I truly am a fluffy gothic daughter of the Balkans, wallowing my own pathos and despair! Luckily the sun returned to Brussels this week so when I wasn't writing I was walking, happy to be in 2016 again. | Continuing transcription of my diaries. It's been slow going, as there are many gaps I left unwritten while being snowed under EC audits, demanding projects, troublesome collaborations, medical disasters and emotional upheavals that lead to a depression in 2012-2013. There were times this week when I wondered why I'm doing this to myself. In order to be able to write about this period in as much rich detail as the things I've recorded in my diaries at the time, I have to dig deep into my conscious, unconscious and somatic memories. I have to bring myself to feel the way I felt then, so that I can translate the experience into words. Sometimes I truly am a fluffy gothic daughter of the Balkans, wallowing my own pathos and despair! Luckily the sun returned to Brussels this week so when I wasn't writing I was walking, happy to be in 2016 again. |
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| {{::writing-retreat-w2.png|}} | {{::writing-retreat-w2.png|}} |
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| I made two exceptions this week and made small contributions to Barbara's and Stephen's current activities. Both of them were related to what I'm currently writing about, so I didn't mind. With Stephen I edited the artist statement for the Chemo Singing Bowl. It's the first that my body has been included as the "co-artist" in an exhibition. Stephen created the beautiful [[https://www.researchgate.net/publication/282454508_Diagnosing_blood_pressure_with_Acoustic_Sonification_singing_bowls|Diagnostic Singing Bowl]] (pictured above) using CAD based on my blood pressure data during chemo and bevacizumab treatments in 2009-2010. For Barbara I wrote the following testimonial of the ritual she guided for me just before my surgery last June: | I made two exceptions this week and made small contributions to projects by [[http://beyondthespoken.eu/|Barbara Raes]] and [[https://stephenbarrass.com/2016/01/18/chemo-singing-bowl/|Stephen Barras]]. Both of them were related to what I'm currently writing about, so I didn't mind. With Stephen I edited the artist statement for the Chemo Singing Bowl. It's the first that my body has been included as the "co-artist" in an exhibition. Stephen created the beautiful [[https://www.researchgate.net/publication/282454508_Diagnosing_blood_pressure_with_Acoustic_Sonification_singing_bowls|Diagnostic Singing Bowl]] (pictured above) using CAD based on my blood pressure data during chemo and bevacizumab treatments in 2009-2010. For Barbara I wrote the following testimonial of the ritual she guided for me just before my surgery last June: |
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| <blockquote>Vorig jaar moest ik afscheid nemen van mijn borsten, een belangrijk symbool van mijn vrouwelijkheid. Een paar dagen vóór mijn bilaterale mastectomie heeft Barbara samen met een groep krachtige vrouwen een bijzonder afscheidsritueel gehouden. Het was een geladen en ontroerende beleving waar ik er helemaal mocht zijn, met mijn gebrekkig lichaam en al mijn zorgen en verdriet. Barbara omhelsde mij bij de ingang en leidde mij door de studio waar ik dagelijks werk. "Ik ben hier voor je" zei ze "ik zal je dragen." En inderdaad, voor een uur lang voelde ik mij door de vrouwelijke oerkrachten van mijn vriendinnen gedragen, onder Barbara’s zachte begeleiding. Onze bibliotheek was omgetoverd naar een groen rustoord; in het midden van de ruimte een nest van kussens en dekens waarop ik mocht liggen. Mijn vriendinnen waren getransformeerd tot de archetypische godinnen. Hun krachten en energie hebben zij als poëtische wensen aan mij geschonken. Ze namen mij mee door een stroom van zintuigelijke ervaringen, waar mijn maelstroom van emoties zonder remmingen mocht razen, tot dat ik de serene stilte van acceptatie had bereikt. De kleuren, geuren, geluiden en strelingen brachten mij tot een alternatief bewustzijn. Mijn lichaam vloeide buiten de oevers van mijn huid, en ik zweefde gewichtsloos, opgehouden door de fluisterende stemmen en warme handen. Het ritueel eindigde in een euforisch vuurspel, opgedragen aan de zonnewende en hernieuwing voor ons allemaal. Ik voelde mijn feminiene vitaliteit ontwaken, zo omringd door mijn glimlachende, stralende zusters. Het was ongelofelijk belangrijk om op zo’n bewuste manier afscheid te nemen van een lichaamsdeel die mij veel vreugde en veel pijn heeft gebracht. Barbara’s rol als ritueel begeleidster was een onschatbare ondersteuning van mijn rouwproces. Zij heeft mij geholpen om aan mijn verlies bestaansrecht te geven. En daarmee veel ruimte voor een nieuw begin. Ik ben haar mateloos dankbaar. </blockquote> | <blockquote>Vorig jaar moest ik afscheid nemen van mijn borsten, een belangrijk symbool van mijn vrouwelijkheid. Een paar dagen vóór mijn bilaterale mastectomie heeft Barbara samen met een groep krachtige vrouwen een bijzonder afscheidsritueel gehouden. Het was een geladen en ontroerende beleving waar ik er helemaal mocht zijn, met mijn gebrekkig lichaam en al mijn zorgen en verdriet. Barbara omhelsde mij bij de ingang en leidde mij door de studio waar ik dagelijks werk. "Ik ben hier voor je" zei ze "ik zal je dragen." En inderdaad, voor een uur lang voelde ik mij door de vrouwelijke oerkrachten van mijn vriendinnen gedragen, onder Barbara’s zachte begeleiding. Onze bibliotheek was omgetoverd naar een groen rustoord; in het midden van de ruimte een nest van kussens en dekens waarop ik mocht liggen. Mijn vriendinnen waren getransformeerd tot de archetypische godinnen. Hun krachten en energie hebben zij als poëtische wensen aan mij geschonken. Ze namen mij mee door een stroom van zintuigelijke ervaringen, waar mijn maelstroom van emoties zonder remmingen mocht razen, tot dat ik de serene stilte van acceptatie had bereikt. De kleuren, geuren, geluiden en strelingen brachten mij tot een alternatief bewustzijn. Mijn lichaam vloeide buiten de oevers van mijn huid, en ik zweefde gewichtsloos, opgehouden door de fluisterende stemmen en warme handen. Het ritueel eindigde in een euforisch vuurspel, opgedragen aan de zonnewende en hernieuwing voor ons allemaal. Ik voelde mijn feminiene vitaliteit ontwaken, zo omringd door mijn glimlachende, stralende zusters. Het was ongelofelijk belangrijk om op zo’n bewuste manier afscheid te nemen van een lichaamsdeel die mij veel vreugde en veel pijn heeft gebracht. Barbara’s rol als ritueel begeleidster was een onschatbare ondersteuning van mijn rouwproces. Zij heeft mij geholpen om aan mijn verlies bestaansrecht te geven. En daarmee veel ruimte voor een nieuw begin. Ik ben haar mateloos dankbaar. </blockquote> |
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| === Week 04 === | === Week 04 === |
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| I've began transcribing diaries, editing and writing about my last seven years of living with cancer... in silence. I'm resting my vocal cords and feeling the pace decelerate. My 'lent fast' this year is a social one, I'm abstaining from people and from afflictive emotions related to people. I'm turning my gaze inward, to see what is really in there when all the social noise is removed. My days follow more or less a fixed routine. I extended the morning practice (meditation and exercises) from 20 minutes to an hour or longer. I have breakfast, I write, have lunch, rest, write, have afternoon tea, go for a walk, follow random interests wherever they take me. In the evening when I start feeling cold, I put on my headphones and dance for a while, then do anything I feel like doing. It usually involves listening to books, watching movies or meditating. Sleep comes easily and the work nightmares are lessening. I'm becoming more [[:resilients/comfortable_with_uncertainty|comfortable with uncertainty]]. | I began transcribing diaries, editing and writing about my last seven years of living with cancer... in silence. I'm resting my vocal cords and feeling the pace decelerate. My 'lent fast' this year is a social one, I'm abstaining from people and from afflictive emotions related to people. I'm turning my gaze inward, to see what is really in there when all the social noise is removed. My days follow more or less a fixed routine. I extended the morning practice (meditation and exercises) from 20 minutes to an hour or longer. I have breakfast, I write, have lunch, rest, write, have afternoon tea, go for a walk, follow random interests wherever they take me. In the evening when I start feeling cold I put on my headphones and dance for a while, then do anything I feel like doing. It usually involves listening to books, watching movies or meditating. Sleep comes easily and the work nightmares are lessening. I'm becoming more [[:resilients/comfortable_with_uncertainty|comfortable with uncertainty]]. |
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| {{::writing-retreat-w1.png|}} | {{::writing-retreat-w1.png|}} |
| {{>http://www.flickr.com/photos/zzkt/24714205073/}}\ | {{>http://www.flickr.com/photos/zzkt/24714205073/}}\ |
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| Celebrating with [[https://www.flickr.com/photos/zzkt/25314343986/|delectable tastes]] of [[http://airdutemps.be/|Air du Temps]]... Until we get rudely brought back to reality by Stevie's urgent texts and voice messages demanding that we find her power supply. Back in Brussels, taking down the Stillness exhibition, being annoyed by worldly demands, printing and sending the yearly report, paying bills and updating the website. Ritually cleaning the blackboard and pulling down the shutter of the admin closet. | Celebrating with [[https://www.flickr.com/photos/zzkt/25314343986/|delectable tastes]] of [[http://airdutemps.be/|Air du Temps]]... Until we get abruptly brought back to reality by urgent texts and voice messages demanding that we find one of FoAM's artists' power supply. It seems like even for people closest to us it's still unclear that a fallow year means that the core team will not be taking care of daily management at FoAM. |
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| | Back in Brussels, taking down the Stillness exhibition, printing and sending the yearly report, paying bills and updating the website. Ritually cleaning the blackboard and pulling down the shutter of the admin closet. |
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| Nik departs to Australia. | Nik departs to Australia. |
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| On Monday 29/02/2016 at 17h I finally close the FoAM door behind me and begin my writing retreat and social fast for a month. A month of being on my own, without having to take anyone else's wishes and needs into account. Just thinking about it the weight begins dropping off my shoulders... As I come home, I'm greeted with direct sunshine on the wall (for the first time since October), refracted through a crystal into dozens of tiny rainbows... Good sign! | On Monday 29/02/2016 at 17h I finally close the FoAM door behind me and begin my writing retreat and social fast for a month. A month of being on my own, without having to take anyone else's wishes and needs into account. Just thinking about it the weight begins dropping off my shoulders... |
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| | As I come home, I'm greeted with direct sunshine on the wall (for the first time since October), refracted through a crystal into dozens of tiny rainbows... |
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| === Week 02 === | === Week 02 === |
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| Day one: CGF evaluation notes online, emptying the mailbox, meeting Luea, working on the newsletter. Again too tired to go out in the evening to see Rasa & Pieter's event at Q-O2. Hmm... At least the hours of daylight are getting visibly longer... | Day one: [[marine_colab/reflection_meeting|CGF evaluation notes]] online, emptying my inbox, meeting [[http://shifts.be/|Luea]], working on the newsletter. Again too tired to go out in the evening to see Rasa & Pieter's event at Q-O2. |
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| I'd like to make my own tree of contemplative practices: http://www.contemplativemind.org/practices/tree | At least the hours of daylight are getting visibly longer... |
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| The rest of the week: gradually working down my to-do list. Finishing the yearly report and the [[https://tinyletter.com/_foam/letters/foam-digest-winter-02016|winter digest]]. With every item that I cross off, a I feel small atoms of space and lightness spreading in my head... | The rest of the week: gradually working down my to-do list. Finishing the yearly report and the [[https://tinyletter.com/_foam/letters/foam-digest-winter-02016|winter digest]]. With every item that I cross off, a I feel small atoms of space and lightness spreading in my head... |
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| | I wonder, what would my own [[http://www.contemplativemind.org/practices/tree|tree of contemplative practices]] look like? |
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| === Week 01 === | === Week 01 === |
| * Day three: total collapse and a marathon of period dramas, instead of a planned visit to Artefact... | * Day three: total collapse and a marathon of period dramas, instead of a planned visit to Artefact... |
| * Day four: back to work - tying loose ends, making to-do lists and automatic reply messages, designing the [[http://fo.am/macrotransiency-foam-bxl/|transiency page]], writing text for the newsletter, hearing about pre-advices for other structurally funded organisations (and irrationally having second thoughts regarding our decision not to apply)... Walking home feeling that we're moving one step forward, one and 1/2 step back... | * Day four: back to work - tying loose ends, making to-do lists and automatic reply messages, designing the [[http://fo.am/macrotransiency-foam-bxl/|transiency page]], writing text for the newsletter, hearing about pre-advices for other structurally funded organisations (and irrationally having second thoughts regarding our decision not to apply)... Walking home feeling that we're moving one step forward, one and 1/2 step back... |
| * Day five: finalising the VG report, paying bills, CGF finances, jaarrekening and then apero. Sounds like the same old Friday... | * Day five: finalising the funding report for the Flemish Authorities, paying bills, sorting out finances for Marine CoLAB and closing FoAM's financial year 2015 and then apero. Sounds like the same old Friday... |
| * Day six & seven: codeine+nurofen assisted rest; sleep, eat, stare at screens (more period dramas); some positive thoughts start bubbling again with ideas for the march retreat and a long futuring process for FoAM in the spring, dispersed with deep-set fears about (financial) insecurity (which I can 'meditate' away, sometimes) | * Day six & seven: codeine+nurofen assisted rest; sleep, eat, stare at screens (more period dramas); some positive thoughts start bubbling again with ideas for my writing retreat and a long futuring process for FoAM in the spring, dispersed with deep-set fears about (financial) insecurity (which I can 'meditate' away, sometimes) |
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maja