Differences

This shows you the differences between two versions of the page.

--- transiency_maja_kuzmanovic [2017-02-19 08:09] – maja
+++ transiency_maja_kuzmanovic [2017-03-22 19:31] – maja
@@ Line 418: / Line 418: @@
 The publications I had hoped to "harvest" this autumn have been left by the wayside, while I let myself be railroaded (by myself above all others) to various other pursuits. To begin with, new opportunities for 2017 are beginning to arise. With the arrival of autumn people have begun planning for next year and asking for input. I ended up writing three proposals, and accepted a keynote at the [[http://anticipation2017.org/|Anticipation conference]]. At the moment these seem in line with what I’d like to do after the transiency - experience design, experiential futures and process facilitation. Still, it’s risky doing such things when my/our post-transiency directions and purpose hasn’t solidified yet.
+Doing this kind of work puts me in a state of mind which is the opposite of fallow. Accounting for FoAM and my one-woman company has further compartmentalised my brain into spreadsheet-compatible units. My free-flowing openness and joyful creativity of the summer quickly narrowed to a goal-driven mindset in a matter of days. This has happened several times during my transiency, and it still amazes (and concerns) me how quickly I switch into "organisational mode". It’s not something I want to shy away from. I love the feeling of an ordered overview of accounts (especially when they match my budget projections!), or the sense of accomplishment that comes after submitting a complex and well-rounded funding proposal.
+Wotking on the [[http://entangled.systems/stillness/|Stillness]] book was the most enjoyable endeavour this month. The proofs of the book were ready for our inspection a few of days after I got back from Croatia. A couple of weeks later we received 200 copies at FoAM. The book is beautiful. Not only as a book of wonderful photographs, but as a physical manifestation of the fallow period. Even after looking at the photos hundreds of times on various screens and prints, the book is still as inviting for me to slow down and notice the many details, the delightfully rough texture of the paper, the filmic sequence, etc. The whole process and result of this project (including the event in February) were a highlight of this year for me.
+{{>http://www.flickr.com/photos/zzkt/30045207751/}}\\
+I put quite some time and mental energy into writing up a description of {{ :hosting:integrativeprocessfacilitation.pdf |integrative process facilitation}} with some of the hosting community. It felt right to do this as part of my transiency. Process facilitation is one of things from FoAM’s past that make sense for me to continue in our next phase. Working on the text and diagrams helped me clarify exactly what it is that I want to be doing, and how my skills and interest can be complementary with others in the group. I think this working group has potential to become a true community of practice. Our respective (un)availability and travel schedules still remain a challenge, which could be remedied if there were means for us to work intensively on projects for short periods as well as having a way to maintain momentum when we’re not directly working together. It’s a bit like the FoAM network… Working directly on such challenges though is something for after my transiency. For now, I’ll use the description of the work in my scoping conversations with potential clients and partners.
+What has made these weeks less enjoyable was the context switching, even though the activities themselves were quite enjoyable. Funding and accounting, scheduling skype calls and meetings, stillness promotion, travel, writing, Filastine and Kate Rich’s inspiring BBB residencies, aperos, birthday celebrations, a bizarre salon on immaterial values (which made me realise just how much I truly do not understand some Flemish people), making a decision about the studio (we’ll keep it until the end of March 2017, at least), medical appointments, planning for Japan, convoluted renewal procedures for my Dutch passport, lovely but nauseating electronic music concerts… For three weeks I felt like I was in a tiny room filled with strobe-lights and screaming women. I must reduce the amount of such stroboscopic, high-pitched experiences in my life, literally and figuratively.
+Aside from working with the process facilitation group and designing a ritual for [[:hosting/october_2016|unmotherhood]], the (ambiguity of the) [[:/hosting/start|hosting community]] and the utterly draining [[:hosting/re-treat|re-treat]] (and its aftermath) have plunged me into an incomprehensible emotional disaster. I have been accused - by one of my closest friends - of blocking her and other people's personal and professional development, of being aggressive and angry, of not allowing anyone to help me or to step up, of blaming on others without ever bothering to look into myself, of disregarding my friends' support in my illness, of having extremely negative energy that pushes people away and is destroying the hosting group, et cetera. What I hoped it would be the first ever reading from my cancer memoir to a group of compassionate friends lead to a heartbreaking misunderstanding (with its roots in the previous hosting gatherings) which I can't grasp nor resolve because my friend is refusing to speak to me and half of the group isn't responding to my emails any more.
 {{>http://www.flickr.com/photos/deziluzija/29703288282/}}\\
-Doing this kind of work puts me in a state of mind which is the opposite of fallow. Accounting for FoAM and my one-woman company has further compartmentalised my brain into spreadsheet-compatible units. My free-flowing openness and joyful creativity of the summer quickly narrowed to a goal-driven mindset in a matter of days. This has happened several times during my transiency, and it still amazes (and concerns) me how quickly I switch into "organisational mode". It’s not something I want to shy away from. I love the feeling of an ordered overview of accounts (especially when they match my budget projections!), or the sense of accomplishment that comes after submitting a complex and well-rounded funding proposal.
+My mother was quite categorical about what I should do: "Stop! Enough! Enough of you taking the blame for other people's subjective experience. Why should even your cancer be about them?! You have done enough. More than enough. You must get away from these people right now or you will crack - physically and psychologically. It seems to me that no matter what you do there is no space for you as you are. Unless you want to change completely and become someone else in order to belong to this group, forget them. It is time for you to leave. Just walk away." Well... For my mother - the epitome of compassion and understanding - to fire a tirade such as this one means that something is truly wrong. I am tempted to follow her advice, but at the same time I still can't believe that we can't find ways to heal each other's emotional wounds and grow through conflict. If nothing else, to come together to reconcile our differences (or agree to disagree) and find a way to have a conscious closure. Instead, all my questions are disappearing into the void of silence and separation. The opposite of "all discomforts and problems should immediately be brought out into the open", which was one of the first principles we came up with. Also, I know that there are some people in this group who do appreciate my contributions and my personality as it is. Why would I leave them and all the potential that is still present in (a part) of this group? I hope that some distance will help me find some meaningful answers. If resolution proves impossible, at the very least I hope to find enough equanimity to close this chapter on my own. I want to be able to forgive (myself and others) for causing so much unnecessary suffering.
-I put quite some time and mental energy into writing up a description of {{ :hosting:integrativeprocessfacilitation.pdf |integrative process facilitation}} with some of the hosting community. It felt right to do this as part of my transiency. Process facilitation is one of things from FoAM’s past that make sense for me to continue in our next phase. Working on the text and diagrams helped me clarify exactly what it is that I want to be doing, and how my skills and interest can be complementary with others in the group. I think this working group has potential to become a true community of practice. Our respective (un)availability and travel schedules still remain a challenge, which could be remedied if there were means for us to work intensively on projects for short periods as well as having a way to maintain momentum when we’re not directly working together. It’s a bit like the FoAM network… Working directly on such challenges though is something for after my transiency. For now, I’ll use the description of the work in my scoping conversations with potential clients and partners.
+I didn't elaborate on all that happened with the hosting community on this page, as I wanted to avoid inadvertently offending people. After what happened during the retreat I'm even more sure that some in this group are prone to take my words personally and find them offensive no matter what I write. So I won't write anything about this any more. Suffice to say that I am rather crushed by the experience and that I need distance to understand if and how to continue relating to this group.
-[[http://entangled.systems/stillness/|Stillness]] was another enjoyable endeavour this month. The proofs of the book were ready for our inspection a few of days after I got back from Croatia. A couple of weeks later we received 200 copies at FoAM. The book is beautiful. Not only as a book of wonderful photographs, but as a physical manifestation of the fallow period. Even after looking at the photos hundreds of times on various screens and prints, the book is still as inviting for me to slow down and notice the many details, the delightfully rough texture of the paper, the filmic sequence, etc. The whole process and result of this project (including the event in February) were a highlight of this year for me.
+<blockquote>
+When wishes are granted, joy comes gently. And when they are not, we hang suspended waiting for release in the space between the heartbeats.
+-From Call the Midwife inspired by the memoirs of Jennifer Worth
+</blockquote>
-What has made these weeks less enjoyable was the context switching - including the (ambiguity of the) [[:/hosting/start|hosting community]] and the emotionally draining [[:hosting/re-treat|re-treat]] (and its aftermath), funding and accounting, scheduling skype calls and meetings, stillness promotion, travel, writing, Filastine and Kate Rich’s BBB residency, aperos, birthday celebrations, a bizarre salon on immaterial values (which made me realise just how much I truly do not understand some Flemish people), making a decision about the studio (we’ll keep it until the end of March 2017, at least), medical appointments, resigning a ritual for [[:hosting/october_2016|unmotherhood]], planning for Japan, a painful misunderstanding with a close friend, convoluted renewal procedures for my Dutch passport, lovely but nauseating electronic music concerts… For three weeks I felt like I was in a tiny room filled with strobe-lights and screaming women. I must reduce the amount of such stroboscopic, high-pitched experiences in my life, literally and figuratively.
 {{>http://www.flickr.com/photos/deziluzija/29957944892/}}\\
@@ Line 684: / Line 699: @@
 {{>http://www.flickr.com/photos/foam/28181125671/}}\\
-As I was "binding my negative energy" and describing my [[hosting/july_2016#conundrums|conundrums]] in the closing circle, people felt the need to "help", defend themselves or prove me wrong. A known impulse in situations when it is easier to give advice than to sit with the discomfort. I find advice in such moments completely counterproductive (it makes me feel incompetent), but I was too caught up in the whirlwind of hosting and participating (aware of the time slipping away) to recognise what was going on while it was happening. I did what I needed to do, but not exactly in the way I was hoping to. No matter, it’s all a part of the practice…
+As I was "binding my negative energy" and describing my [[hosting/july_2016#conundrums|conundrums]] in the closing circle, people felt the need to "help", defend themselves or prove me wrong. A known impulse in situations when well meaning feedback is taken personally, when it is easier to give advice than to sit with the discomfort. I find advice in such moments completely counterproductive (it makes me feel incompetent), but I was too caught up in the whirlwind of hosting and participating (aware of the time slipping away) to recognise what was going on while it was happening. I did what I needed to do, but not exactly in the way I was hoping to. It’s all a part of the practice…
+My conundrums about the hosting community:
+  * How can we, in this community, find a good flow between creative and receptive energies, between collective, goal-driven activities and supporting/nurturing individual members (think of the flow in the yin-yang symbol)?
+  * How can we co-create a light and clear community structure to avoid the "tyranny of structurelessness" (see quote below), allowing the group to become agile and adaptive?
+  * How do we balance the drive to hang out together and co-create new activities with the "time & money" pressure the individual members are struggling with?
+  * How can we be available, committed, reliable and punctual, so that we can enjoy "being and doing" together? So that the logistics and co-ordination tasks can be evenly and effectively distributed and exchanged, while also having time to socialise, celebrate and relax, i.e. enjoy each others' company?
 While we were cleaning up, Kathleen came back from the metro a few minutes after she left, having witnessed someone jumping under the train. This refocused everyone’s attention. Stevie and I had planned to improvise a guided meditation which didn’t happen during the Open Space, but it now it seemed more than appropriate.
@@ Line 690: / Line 716: @@
 Stevie played the hurdy-gurdy while I spoke, asking questions that I asked myself in the difficult month of June: What does distress feel like? What’s underneath this feeling? What does this difficult situation want to teach me? What does it tell me about this moment? What do I notice right now? What if I had only a year to live? A month? A day? An hour? Just a few moments? What would really matter? We closed by acknowledging the preciousness of being alive. Letting everything else fade into the background, as Stevie's sound gradually faded into silence.
-At the end of the meditation we were all shivering, with tears in our eyes. All my doubts and fears temporarily dissolved. I felt in the flow again. I sensed what was needed, poured all my intention and artistry into creating an experience through improvisation. The experience was nurturing, while I got my "fix" of compassionate leadership and improvised creativity. A flow of yin and yang, of masculine and feminine drives. Goal-driven, creative nurturing that worked.
+At the end of the meditation we were all shivering, with tears in our eyes. All my doubts and fears temporarily dissolved. I felt in the flow again. I sensed what was needed, poured all my intention and artistry into creating an experience through improvisation. The experience was nurturing, while I got my "fix" of improvised creativity. A flow of yin and yang, of masculine and feminine drives. Goal-driven, creative nurturing that worked.
 A slightly longer flow experience for me these last couple of weeks was co-authoring the [[:/future_fabulators/making_things_physical|Making things physical]] essay with Nik, Tim and Tina. I enjoyed the collaboration immensely. The topic was Physical Narratives, which Time’s Up explored more actively in the last years, but we at FoAM have done our fair share in the past. I took the lead, setup calls and proposed a structure. We discussed it, everyone made comments and we jointly made changes. Time’s Up started the first round of actual writing, sent us a draft that was about 1000 words too long, so it was our task to shorten it without losing the essence. It was a major rewrite, but I thought it was much better for it. As this was happening at the same time as the hosting gathering at the end of June, I was terrified that I had bulldozed over the text in the same way I did with too firmly framing the workshop. To my delighted surprise, the response was very positive. The article improved, and it didn’t matter who did the improving. Relieved, we spent a few more rounds of touching up and nudging the text and images until we were all satisfied. At the beginning and the end we spent time socialising and cheering over skype. There was time and space to talk about our lives, but none of our personal issues impacted the flow of the work. Our egos were left at the door and when we got onto working, the quality of the article was all that mattered. While the agreements were generally respected, there was also sufficient flexibility so that when something had to change, everyone was informed and could adapt, without stress. We finished the article three days before the deadline and could all stand behind the results.