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--- transiency_maja_kuzmanovic [2017-03-21 19:50] – maja
+++ transiency_maja_kuzmanovic [2017-03-22 20:44] – maja
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 The publications I had hoped to "harvest" this autumn have been left by the wayside, while I let myself be railroaded (by myself above all others) to various other pursuits. To begin with, new opportunities for 2017 are beginning to arise. With the arrival of autumn people have begun planning for next year and asking for input. I ended up writing three proposals, and accepted a keynote at the [[http://anticipation2017.org/|Anticipation conference]]. At the moment these seem in line with what I’d like to do after the transiency - experience design, experiential futures and process facilitation. Still, it’s risky doing such things when my/our post-transiency directions and purpose hasn’t solidified yet.
-{{>http://www.flickr.com/photos/deziluzija/29703288282/}}\\
 Doing this kind of work puts me in a state of mind which is the opposite of fallow. Accounting for FoAM and my one-woman company has further compartmentalised my brain into spreadsheet-compatible units. My free-flowing openness and joyful creativity of the summer quickly narrowed to a goal-driven mindset in a matter of days. This has happened several times during my transiency, and it still amazes (and concerns) me how quickly I switch into "organisational mode". It’s not something I want to shy away from. I love the feeling of an ordered overview of accounts (especially when they match my budget projections!), or the sense of accomplishment that comes after submitting a complex and well-rounded funding proposal.
 Wotking on the [[http://entangled.systems/stillness/|Stillness]] book was the most enjoyable endeavour this month. The proofs of the book were ready for our inspection a few of days after I got back from Croatia. A couple of weeks later we received 200 copies at FoAM. The book is beautiful. Not only as a book of wonderful photographs, but as a physical manifestation of the fallow period. Even after looking at the photos hundreds of times on various screens and prints, the book is still as inviting for me to slow down and notice the many details, the delightfully rough texture of the paper, the filmic sequence, etc. The whole process and result of this project (including the event in February) were a highlight of this year for me.
+{{>http://www.flickr.com/photos/zzkt/30045207751/}}\\
 I put quite some time and mental energy into writing up a description of {{ :hosting:integrativeprocessfacilitation.pdf |integrative process facilitation}} with some of the hosting community. It felt right to do this as part of my transiency. Process facilitation is one of things from FoAM’s past that make sense for me to continue in our next phase. Working on the text and diagrams helped me clarify exactly what it is that I want to be doing, and how my skills and interest can be complementary with others in the group. I think this working group has potential to become a true community of practice. Our respective (un)availability and travel schedules still remain a challenge, which could be remedied if there were means for us to work intensively on projects for short periods as well as having a way to maintain momentum when we’re not directly working together. It’s a bit like the FoAM network… Working directly on such challenges though is something for after my transiency. For now, I’ll use the description of the work in my scoping conversations with potential clients and partners.
-What has made these weeks less enjoyable was the context switching. Funding and accounting, scheduling skype calls and meetings, stillness promotion, travel, writing, Filastine and Kate Rich’s BBB residency, aperos, birthday celebrations, a bizarre salon on immaterial values (which made me realise just how much I truly do not understand some Flemish people), making a decision about the studio (we’ll keep it until the end of March 2017, at least), medical appointments, designing a ritual for [[:hosting/october_2016|unmotherhood]], planning for Japan, convoluted renewal procedures for my Dutch passport, lovely but nauseating electronic music concerts… For three weeks I felt like I was in a tiny room filled with strobe-lights and screaming women. I must reduce the amount of such stroboscopic, high-pitched experiences in my life, literally and figuratively.
+What has made these weeks less enjoyable was the context switching, even though the activities themselves were quite enjoyable. Funding and accounting, scheduling skype calls and meetings, stillness promotion, travel, writing, Filastine and Kate Rich’s inspiring BBB residencies, aperos, birthday celebrations, a bizarre salon on immaterial values (which made me realise just how much I truly do not understand some Flemish people), making a decision about the studio (we’ll keep it until the end of March 2017, at least), medical appointments, planning for Japan, convoluted renewal procedures for my Dutch passport, lovely but nauseating electronic music concerts… For three weeks I felt like I was in a tiny room filled with strobe-lights and screaming women. I must reduce the amount of such stroboscopic, high-pitched experiences in my life, literally and figuratively.
+Aside from working with the process facilitation group and designing a ritual for [[:hosting/october_2016|unmotherhood]], the (ambiguity of the) [[:/hosting/start|hosting community]] and the utterly draining [[:hosting/re-treat|re-treat]] (and its aftermath) have plunged me into an emotional maelstrom. I didn't elaborate on all that happened with the hosting community on this page, as I wanted to avoid inadvertently offending people. After what happened during the retreat I'm quite sure that no matter what I think or say, it is likely that some people will take it personally and turn my actions against me. So I won't write about it any more. Suffice to say that I am rather crushed by the experience and that I need distance to understand if and how to continue relating to this group.
+{{>http://www.flickr.com/photos/deziluzija/29703288282/}}\\
-Aside from working with the process facilitation group, the (ambiguity of the) [[:/hosting/start|hosting community]] and the utterly draining [[:hosting/re-treat|re-treat]] (and its aftermath) have plunged me into an incomprehensible emotional disaster. I have been accused - by one of my closest friends - of blocking her and other people's personal and professional development, of being aggressive and angry, of not allowing anyone to help me or to step up, of laying blame on others without ever bothering to look into myself, of disregarding my friends' support in my illness, of having extremely negative energy that pushes people away and is destroying the group, et cetera. What I hoped it would be the first ever reading from my cancer memoir to a group of compassionate friends lead to a heartbreaking misunderstanding which I can't grasp or resolve because my friend is refusing to speak to me and half of the group isn't responding to my emails any more.
-I didn't elaborate on all that happened with the hosting community on this page, as I wanted to avoid inadvertently offending people. After what happened during the retreat I'm even more sure that some in this group are prone to take my words personally and find them offensive no matter what I write. So I won't write anything about this any more. Suffice to say that I am rather crushed by the experience and that I need distance to understand if and how to continue being a part of the group. My mother was quite categorical about it: "Enough! Enough of you taking the blame for other people's fears and insecurities. You have done enough. More than enough. You must get away from these people right now, or you will crack. You cannot consider them your friends any more. They do not see you, they do not appreciate you, no matter what you do. Forget them. Leave. Never speak to them again." Well, for my mother, the epitome of compassion and understanding to fire a tirade such as this at me means that something is truly wrong. I am tempted to follow her advice, but at the same time I still can't believe that we can't find ways to heal each other's emotional wounds and grow through conflict. If nothing else, to come together to reconcile our differences (or agree to disagree) and find a way to have a conscious closure. Instead, all my questions are disappearing into the void of silence and separation. The opposite of "all discomforts and problems should immediately be brought out into the open", which was one of the first principles we came up with. Also, I know that there are some people in this group who do appreciate my contributions and my personality as it is. Why would I leave them and all the potential that is still present in (a part) of this group? I hope that some distance will help me find some meaningful answers. If resolution proves impossible, at the very least I hope to find enough equanimity to close this chapter on my own. I want to be able to forgive myself and others for causing so much unnecessary suffering.
+<blockquote>
+When wishes are granted, joy comes gently. And when they are not, we hang suspended waiting for release in the space between the heartbeats.
+-From Call the Midwife inspired by the memoirs of Jennifer Worth
+</blockquote>