Differences

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--- transiency_maja_kuzmanovic [2017-03-22 19:24] – maja
+++ transiency_maja_kuzmanovic [2017-03-22 20:44] – maja
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 I put quite some time and mental energy into writing up a description of {{ :hosting:integrativeprocessfacilitation.pdf |integrative process facilitation}} with some of the hosting community. It felt right to do this as part of my transiency. Process facilitation is one of things from FoAM’s past that make sense for me to continue in our next phase. Working on the text and diagrams helped me clarify exactly what it is that I want to be doing, and how my skills and interest can be complementary with others in the group. I think this working group has potential to become a true community of practice. Our respective (un)availability and travel schedules still remain a challenge, which could be remedied if there were means for us to work intensively on projects for short periods as well as having a way to maintain momentum when we’re not directly working together. It’s a bit like the FoAM network… Working directly on such challenges though is something for after my transiency. For now, I’ll use the description of the work in my scoping conversations with potential clients and partners.
-What has made these weeks less enjoyable was the context switching, even though the activities themselves were quite enjoyable. Funding and accounting, scheduling skype calls and meetings, stillness promotion, travel, writing, Filastine and Kate Rich’s inspiring BBB residencies, aperos, birthday celebrations, a bizarre salon on immaterial values (which made me realise just how much I truly do not understand some Flemish people), making a decision about the studio (we’ll keep it until the end of March 2017, at least), medical appointments, designing a ritual for [[:hosting/october_2016|unmotherhood]], planning for Japan, convoluted renewal procedures for my Dutch passport, lovely but nauseating electronic music concerts… For three weeks I felt like I was in a tiny room filled with strobe-lights and screaming women. I must reduce the amount of such stroboscopic, high-pitched experiences in my life, literally and figuratively.
+What has made these weeks less enjoyable was the context switching, even though the activities themselves were quite enjoyable. Funding and accounting, scheduling skype calls and meetings, stillness promotion, travel, writing, Filastine and Kate Rich’s inspiring BBB residencies, aperos, birthday celebrations, a bizarre salon on immaterial values (which made me realise just how much I truly do not understand some Flemish people), making a decision about the studio (we’ll keep it until the end of March 2017, at least), medical appointments, planning for Japan, convoluted renewal procedures for my Dutch passport, lovely but nauseating electronic music concerts… For three weeks I felt like I was in a tiny room filled with strobe-lights and screaming women. I must reduce the amount of such stroboscopic, high-pitched experiences in my life, literally and figuratively.
-Aside from working with the process facilitation group, the (ambiguity of the) [[:/hosting/start|hosting community]] and the utterly draining [[:hosting/re-treat|re-treat]] (and its aftermath) have plunged me into an incomprehensible emotional disaster. I have been accused - by one of my closest friends - of blocking her and other people's personal and professional development, of being aggressive and angry, of not allowing anyone to help me or to step up, of laying blame on others without ever bothering to look into myself, of disregarding my friends' support in my illness, of having extremely negative energy that pushes people away and is destroying the group, et cetera. What I hoped it would be the first ever reading from my cancer memoir to a group of compassionate friends lead to a heartbreaking misunderstanding which I can't grasp or resolve because my friend is refusing to speak to me and half of the group isn't responding to my emails any more.
+Aside from working with the process facilitation group and designing a ritual for [[:hosting/october_2016|unmotherhood]], the (ambiguity of the) [[:/hosting/start|hosting community]] and the utterly draining [[:hosting/re-treat|re-treat]] (and its aftermath) have plunged me into an emotional maelstrom. I didn't elaborate on all that happened with the hosting community on this page, as I wanted to avoid inadvertently offending people. After what happened during the retreat I'm quite sure that no matter what I think or say, it is likely that some people will take it personally and turn my actions against me. So I won't write about it any more. Suffice to say that I am rather crushed by the experience and that I need distance to understand if and how to continue relating to this group.
 {{>http://www.flickr.com/photos/deziluzija/29703288282/}}\\
-My mother was quite categorical about what I should do: "Stop! Enough! Enough of you taking the blame for other people's subjective experience. Why should even your cancer be about them?! You have done enough. More than enough. You must get away from these people right now or you will crack - physically and psychologically. It seems to me that no matter what you do there is no space for you as you are. Unless you want to change completely and become someone else in order to belong to this group, forget them. It is time for you to leave. Just walk away." Well... For my mother - the epitome of compassion and understanding - to fire a tirade such as this one means that something is truly wrong. I am tempted to follow her advice, but at the same time I still can't believe that we can't find ways to heal each other's emotional wounds and grow through conflict. If nothing else, to come together to reconcile our differences (or agree to disagree) and find a way to have a conscious closure. Instead, all my questions are disappearing into the void of silence and separation. The opposite of "all discomforts and problems should immediately be brought out into the open", which was one of the first principles we came up with. Also, I know that there are some people in this group who do appreciate my contributions and my personality as it is. Why would I leave them and all the potential that is still present in (a part) of this group? I hope that some distance will help me find some meaningful answers. If resolution proves impossible, at the very least I hope to find enough equanimity to close this chapter on my own. I want to be able to forgive (myself and others) for causing so much unnecessary suffering.
-I didn't elaborate on all that happened with the hosting community on this page, as I wanted to avoid inadvertently offending people. After what happened during the retreat I'm even more sure that some in this group are prone to take my words personally and find them offensive no matter what I write. So I won't write anything about this any more. Suffice to say that I am rather crushed by the experience and that I need distance to understand if and how to continue relating to this group.
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