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--- transiency_maja_kuzmanovic [2017-04-04 19:37] – maja
+++ transiency_maja_kuzmanovic [2017-04-04 19:53] – maja
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 What has made these weeks less enjoyable was the context switching, even though the activities themselves were quite enjoyable. Funding and accounting, scheduling skype calls and meetings, stillness promotion, travel, writing, Filastine and Kate Rich’s inspiring BBB residencies, aperos, birthday celebrations, a bizarre salon on immaterial values (which made me realise just how much I truly do not understand some Flemish people), making a decision about the studio (we’ll keep it until the end of March 2017, at least), medical appointments, planning for Japan, convoluted renewal procedures for my Dutch passport, lovely but nauseating electronic music concerts… For three weeks I felt like I was in a tiny room filled with strobe-lights and screaming women. I must reduce the amount of such stroboscopic, high-pitched experiences in my life, literally and figuratively.
-Context switching wasn’t the most difficult thing in September though. That place was reserved for my ambiguous relationship with the hosting community. In June, I enjoyed preparing gatherings the way I like to experience them, only to be criticised for walking over people and not fulfilling their needs. When I tried to share my own unfulfilled needs and doubts, they were met with accusations that I’m taking responsibility away from others and not allowing them to help me. I listened to the critique and stepped back to let others step up. A few people organised the community [[:hosting/re-treat|re-treat]] in September. While I noticed many mistakes I used to make as novice retreat organiser, I let them "pass over me and through me", not wanting to criticise or be seen as "taking over" again. Instead, I focused on doing exactly what was asked of me. I showed up as a participant and hosted a session I wanted to experiment with. For me, this was [[:hosting/living-with-dis-ease]].
+Context switching wasn’t the most difficult thing in September though. That place was reserved for my ambiguous relationship with the hosting community. In June, I enjoyed preparing gatherings the way I like to experience them, which was perceived as walking over people and not fulfilling their needs. When I tried to share my own unfulfilled needs and doubts, they were met with accusations that I’m taking responsibility away from others and not allowing them to help me. I listened to the critique and stepped as far back as I could to make space for others to step up. A few people organised the community [[:hosting/re-treat|re-treat]] in September. While I noticed the same mistakes I used to make as novice retreat organiser, I let them "pass over me and through me", not wanting to criticise or come across as taking over again. Instead, I focused on doing exactly what was asked of me. I showed up as a participant and hosted a session I wanted to experiment with. For me, this was [[:hosting/living_with_dis-ease|Living with dis-ease]].
-I was looking forward to extracting parts of my memoir and translating them into a participatory session. The session included readings interspersed with short meditations. I spent a few days designing the session and felt quite inspired. I wanted to share the practices which have helped me in my darkest, most difficult moments. I had hoped that they could be as helpful to other people. I also wanted to share my writing with people who I felt close to.
+I was looking forward to extracting parts of my memoir and translating them into a participatory session. The session included readings interspersed with short meditations. I spent a few days designing it and felt quite inspired. I wanted to share the practices which have helped me in my darkest, most difficult moments. I had hoped that they could be as helpful to other people. I also wanted to share my writing with people who I felt close to.
-As a guiding theme I took the title of Treya and Ken Wilber’s book "Grace and Grit". I described seven episodes from the last seven years of my life, where the 'grit' of dis-ease become fertile ground for grace. I focused on mind training - particularly in meditation and rituals - as a way to experience grace in the midst of the grit chronic illness. I was curious to see if/how this could work in terms of content and format. I decided not talk about all aspects of my illness, but to focus on the theme I found most relevant to the re-treat, namely the connection between illness and contemplation.
+As a guiding theme I took the title of Treya and Ken Wilber’s book [[Grace and Grit]]. I described seven episodes from the last seven years of my life, where the 'grit' of dis-ease become fertile ground for grace. I focused on mind training - particularly in meditation and rituals - as a way to experience grace in the midst of the grit chronic illness. I was curious to see if/how this could work in terms of content and format. I decided not talk about all aspects of my illness, but to focus on the theme I found most relevant to the re-treat, namely the connection between illness and contemplation.
+{{>http://www.flickr.com/photos/deziluzija/29703288282/}}\\
 With all my good intentions, I did not take into account how my selection of excerpts (with a focus on how I helped myself through dis-ease) could inadvertently hurt people who know me. Some felt guilty or even angry at me for not asking for more help, or not sharing enough, or for not acknowledging their contribution to my healing. Others felt remorse for not having done more. One of my closest friends burst into tears and a half-hour tirade of accusations that I have so much rage in me and express it in ways that only hurt others, making them feel incapable and unworthy.
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 The re-treat wasn’t the time to resolve such questions, so I let go of my worries and immersed myself in the sessions. They were enjoyable, yet the retreat itself wasn't flowing (for various reasons). Still, I got to sing a partisan song in a church and to co-design a sonic meditation with Stevie. I participated in playfulness and contemplation, as well as contributed to Barbara’s ritual for [[:hosting/october_2016|unmotherhood]]. The latter was particularly inspiring (especially when we continued developing the design in October). It allowed me to work with my infertility as a creative source. It’s a delight to be able to translate my personal experience into something meaningful for another person. Rituals, immersive experiences, transmedia stories, gorgeous objects like the [[https://www.flickr.com/photos/foam/albums/72157666070776356|Chemo Singing Bowl]]. It feels like an alchemical process of transforming pain of disease into healing beauty.
-However, the pain that characterises most of my recent interactions with the hosting community need time to heal. I won't go into any more details here, but suffice to say that I am rather crushed by the experience. I need distance to understand if and how to continue relating to this group. I hope that the distance will help me find some meaningful answers. If resolution proves impossible, at the very least I hope to find enough equanimity to close this chapter on my own.
+However, the pain that characterises most of my recent interactions with the hosting community needs time to heal. I won't go into any more details here, but suffice to say that I am rather crushed by the experience. I need distance to understand if and how to continue relating to this group. I hope that the distance will help me find some meaningful answers. If resolution proves impossible, at the very least I hope to find enough equanimity to close this chapter on my own.
-{{>http://www.flickr.com/photos/deziluzija/29703288282/}}\\